I mastered my training as a young child to be silent, invisible, forgotten and last.
I mastered separation from safety and the feeling of it.
I mastered the expression of complete terror, how to hold my breath and sink into fear.
I mastered being lost.
I mastered being a shadow hiding in shame.
I mastered an extreme deep sense of pain, aloneness.
I mastered separation from me.

I mastered my training as a teenager in instability around me.
I mastered the darkness without light and warmth.
I mastered being excluded and how to withdraw.
I mastered not being seen and heard.
I mastered my separation from me.
I mastered how to ditch myself.
I mastered my own betrayal and self-loathing.
I mastered being “outside”, invalidated.
I mastered how to forget. So, I thought.
I then mastered addiction.

I took “me” into a space where air and light no longer existed.
I mastered aggression, arguing, judging, labeling, criticizing, shaming and moralizing. I mastered this for years.

I had one clear moment where I saw and felt me. I saw the inseparable me. I saw the child I left behind.

I anchored my next step by choosing recovery.
I mastered the ability to decide.
I decided to practice.
I decided this choice again and again. The choice to recover me.
I decided to see obstacles as brave opportunities for change.
I decided I had the ability to find solutions, to stay in presence and observe my thoughts.
I decided to actively use self-discipline in my daily choices.
I decided my curiosity was powerful and coupled with kindness I could explore safely in that space.
I decided to free myself from imposing thoughts that entrapped me.
I decided to sit, stay and heal instead of running, resisting and struggling.
I decided to lead for myself not follow for others.
I decided on my path for healing by trusting and encouraging my inner voice.
I decided after years of loss to play and
to allow nature to teach me to heal.
I decided to be wildly alive here in this moment meeting me.

I MASTERED MY INCLUSION OF ME.